the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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