It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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