I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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