I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
