Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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