wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
