Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
