when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
