so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
