Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
