just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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