How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
