at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
