Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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