I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
