Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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