Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
