Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize