just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
