yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
