i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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