we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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