Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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