I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
