Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
