so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Randomize
