Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
