I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
