then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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