forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
