I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you had me at cake vodka
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize