Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
