I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
