today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
