I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
