you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
