the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
