he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
