you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
