My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
