The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
