Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She said her name was "party"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
