See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
