I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
