I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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