So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
