haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
