my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
