I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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