she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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