His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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