Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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