babies were throwing up all over the place
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
