I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
