Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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