i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
