Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
