I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
