yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
