just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
