WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
