While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
