Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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